thoughtdrops

The Engine of Democracy

2012-02-12T13:33:00.001+05:30

And so it came to pass
That the ones who knew
Had to bow and scrape
Before the ones who blew
Hot winds out of their ass

And that became the shape
Of the engine of democracy

The voters were cattle
The voters were sheep
They forgot how to battle
And remembered how to bleat

With the cattle on the trail
The lone wolves stayed away
Hid in what was left of the jungle
As the sheep had their day

It's now all gone - it's gas and manure
The grazers have left the land bare
They're mooing and bleating in unison
Still demanding their rightful share

The shepherds drive them to market
The shepherds drive them to death
They buy them all with promises
And they buy them all with debt

While the knowing ones must hide
And kowtow to the shepherd clans
Be carried along on the tide
Of fodder feed and cowpen plans

The great big engine chugs along
So blindly down the track
They call it the light of democracy
But the whole train is painted black...

Cold refrain

2012-02-09T11:11:00.002+05:30

Shiver
Shake
In pleasure
As the cold wind blows

I
Who am used
To the light
And the heat
And the sweat in my pores

I love the cold.

Sweet
Welcoming cold
Like a lover's arms
You envelop
My soul

I love the cold
And cloudy days
When my words mist
In so many different ways

And my breath
Is lazy smoke
Swirling through the haze
Of lazy days and hope

Oh cold!
When you are gone
You shall be
The lover I never regret

In coming days of sweat
And toil
When days bring to a boil
My body and my brain
You will be my refrain

The way you slipped through
My blood and my bones
And every other part
To make my mind your home
And settle in my heart.

Quatrain

2012-02-02T06:39:00.001+05:30

I wrote this morning's song for you
Your face was in my mind
Your body left it's mark on me
But you left that note unsigned

He said, She said

2012-01-31T06:04:00.001+05:30

He said - you are so fair, so nice
That my body is yours for free
If you will hold my soul for me
She said - I ain't falling for your lies
I know that every body has it's price
And I know that yours is not for me

And so they stood in the sunlight
Their longing ebbing in the fading light
Their eyes said every word
That their hands did not dare
When he reached out for her mind
He found only her breasts were bare

He said - Would you hold me for long
Would you hold me if I were wrong
She said - I would if I could
But I really don't want to belong
I mean - don't get me wrong
But I'd really rather be owned
For the shape of my body
Than the state of my soul

And so they made love in the light
And left the darkness inside
To be alone with the night
That lay behind their eyes
She said that that was great
He said he was getting late
And they went their separate ways

Untouched by the unsaid things
Their sanity lay on broken wings
That they did not care to heal
What's not said you did not feel

He said sometimes it's better not to fly
She said that's right, let's just let things lie
I prefer to be safe on the ground
To being a bird in flight
It was the first time, they found
That they'd agreed that night

They made up with their tongues
For each song they'd left unsung
Then he said ciao
And she said goodbye
And they left each other
Standing in the light
Knowing in the end
That she was right
That every body has a price
That they'd paid it with their lives.

Revenge

2012-01-28T07:11:00.001+05:30

The night is cold
Cold as your smile
The day you stole
The light from my eyes

The lies you told
With practised sighs

To the tune of goodbye's

The days are warm
Warm as your thighs
When you welcomed me in
With soft mewling cries

But the nights tell the truth
They say what's inside
Yet we pursue the day
Without a disguise

One day I'll be warm
When your day has died
As you shiver in your storm
I'll pass smiling by

Our paths will then cross
And coldly I'll smile
The day that you've lost
The light in your eyes

To lies that were told
With practised sighs

To the tune of goodbyes

the sweetness of pain

2012-01-21T15:20:00.003+05:30

writhing

in the sweetness of pain

silences growing

in vain

broken bodies

impaled

on sweet torture

we lie awake

dreaming

half mad with desire

for the lost

causes of the heart

we’ve played our parts

the music ends

before it begins

again

Would you

2012-01-18T09:28:00.001+05:30

Do you live
On borrowed thoughts
Or borrowed dreams
Does your real self speak
In only quiet screams

Do you watch too hard
Do you see too much
Do you find that you spoil
Everything that you touch

Do the words out of your mouth
Come from books that you've read
Has every thing you believed
Been stuffed into your head

Does every answer you find
Come from someone else's mind
Are you too scared to heal
To find what you really feel

Do you mistrust yourself
Do you doubt all you do
Do you suspect yourself
And find things askew

Would it matter very much
If I tried to help you find
That you could trust your body
That you could trust your mind

Would you push me away
And scream out songs of hate
Would you rip and revile me
Would you say that it's too late

Would you repel and fear me
If I wanted to get through
If my fingers trailed compassion
Would your world come all unglued

Would it matter very much
If I tried to help you find
That you can trust your body
That you can trust your mind

Electric

2012-01-13T00:11:00.001+05:30

Her hand reaches out for mine
Her long slender fingers clasping
Palms scraping
Her flesh squeezes mine
More intimate than a kiss
Are your hands, my love
I think, with a shiver of glee
That races up the nerves
From my palm
The quiver takes my spine
And shakes it like a leaf
In the laughing wind
The touch of her palm
Reaches my eyes
A teardrop lies
Unclaimed
Behind the lid
As behind that again
Within the dark depths of my skull
A brain stands still
As lightning flies
Each synapse fries
In a sudden declaration of love.

Around the eyes

2012-01-07T10:08:00.001+05:30

Around the eyes
Crinkled skin
Shining lights dancing
On the pupils within
What else is there
What else is there

The people walk
The people work
Faces set in stone
They walk alone
Searching for glee
Buying love for free

Chase the big things
Be led by the nose
Around the circus ring
Chase highs and lows
Live life on a dose
Stress and adrenaline

But in the corner there
Sits the man who doesn't care
He's not lost in worry
For forgotten sins
He's caught in the moment
His world is a grin

Around his eyes
Crinkled skin
Shining lights dancing
From the pupils within
For what else is there
What else is there...

Half Past Twilight

2012-01-05T09:40:00.001+05:30

It's half past twilight
The ancient one squats
In the smoggy half light
Of that hole in the wall
That the purveyors of concrete
Call a window

His mind lingers
Around nothing at all
In a faraway place
He sometimes calls home;
His mind meandering
Around half thoughts...

Rising from his lips,
Seeking out both
The open lighted spaces
And the darker spaces
Within, he exhales
His memories
And his hopes
Mingled together
In the smoke
Of burning dreams
And burning schemes
The mise-en-scène
Of a life consumed
Lived half past twilight
In a place called home.

New Year

2012-01-02T17:13:00.000+05:30

And so it ends...
That year is gone
Those pages torn
Rift by the ravages of time
Those paths we walked
The dreams we stocked
And fearfully chose to decline
We've left that world behind
And but for memories
All the lives we lived
Lie lost around the bend
And so it ends...

But now time is new
And things begin again
With lingering kisses
To soothe and mend
The wounds opened by the past
As things have died
New things will arise
Some must awake with a start
To live new lives
With shining eyes
And a newly indestructible heart

The Shackles of your Mind

2011-12-21T10:45:00.001+05:30

Look carefully now
Inside your own head
Look and you'll find
The shackles of your mind

Each word you've borrowed
Each thought you've read
Is a link in the invisible chains
That bond and hobble your brains

Those words are the easy way out
Each time that you're plagued by doubt
You let someone else's morals decide
And forget how to take your own side

But what can you do
Oh, what can you do
It's so easy to not be you
To just live your life by the rules
To be a part of this or that school

The formulas of fear that you spout
Instead of working things out
Are a much easier way to go
It's easier to stay stunted than grow

But those chains are so tiny, so frail
If you just examine them in detail
You can snip them with almost any thought
That your own mind has forged and wrought

So if you actually start to think
Be honest with your heart and head
And not fall back on easy things
On the words and thoughts that you've been fed

To your own surprise
You might just find
You've slipped the shackles of your mind

Twilight

2011-12-15T21:26:00.001+05:30

In the morning grey
Your skin glows
A bead of sweat
Lies in the hollow
Of your neck
In quiet repose

My tongue reaches
Stretches
Quietly stealing
Gliding
Over your skin
To capture each bead
Which my eyes discover

As I complete
My twilight voyage
You stir, softly
I hear a happy purr
As your limbs find mine
I lie frozen, shocked
Taken by sudden surprise
My heart races
As I realise
For the very first time
How it feels
To have my whole body
Suffused with a smile

vagabond

2011-12-15T13:41:00.003+05:30

Ensconced
In cocoons of sleep
Lie the sated ones
Their rumbling snores
Echo down the street
As the lone one roams
The wind is his home
It welcomes him
Caresses him
Holds him closer
Than the fitful sleep
Of dreams

As the sated ones stir
From restless reverie
The lone one finally rests
His soul rising
With the greying dawn
On the streets below
Empty rags lie still
Where once the wind had blown

If

2011-12-11T10:41:00.001+05:30

If you were born
to be ash
Or food for worms
would your life be lived
on vastly different terms

If all you stashed
Were to rot or burn
Tonight
What would you learn

Would you change
Could you
Even if you tried
Would you find
Your mind had lied
And things remained
Quintessentially
The same

Sailor Love

2011-12-09T17:15:00.001+05:30

The sailor lives
For the kiss
of the spray
It calms his mind
and hurts his hands
As he strains
For control
Over the weapon
he uses
to hold his love
To slice through
His only love

The sea
Yoked
She bleeds
Salty tears

Each tear
Kisses him
And stings him
With salt poured
Into open wounds
His raw hands
His reddening skin

And so we are
My love
Caught in that
Deadly dance

I sail over your body
I worship your mind
You'd take me and crush me
If I wouldn't leave you behind

Touch me then, my love
with every tear
Rock my boat
With just a hint of that fear
With your salted spray
upon my lips
I kiss
Each moment away
I ride every storm
That erupts
from your bosom
I sway
to the shudder
Of each wave
Of emotion
I dare not let go
For if I drown
We will dance no more
And the wind will blow away

All your tears

in vain.

passive

2011-12-07T20:34:00.001+05:30

the lazy smoke
curls and rolls
Reaching for the ceiling
in slow motion
your lazy lips below
curling too
so moist and red
from the wine
and the laughter
it all makes me feel
so lightheaded...

and the flowers never bloom

2011-12-06T09:24:00.001+05:30

In the harsh city air
The plant grows
Explores
With it's stalks
and it's vines
Around pillars and
Inside cracks
It's arms intertwine
And the flower never blooms
As the vine begs for purchase
In non-existent rooms
Petals that will never
See the light of day
Stay firmly huddled
Within its bud
Closeted, fearful
And the flower never blooms
The plants mimic their masters
Within closeted rooms
Fearful, huddled
We stay
Packed tightly away
Within our buds
Petals in decay
For never having seen the sun
And the flowers never bloom...

knife of the night

2011-11-25T11:39:00.001+05:30

The moon is the knife of the night
Crescent edged, silver bladed
It's the crack in the darkness
That sheds light
On our flaws
It is the world's excuse for being ugly
For in the night
Everything glows
And looks beautiful
A picture frame
Glamour grows
As the day lies forgotten
The harshness of the night
Is tempered in the softening snowflakes
Of descending light
As the inherent harshness of my sight
Is tempered by your exquisite prose
Your words the silent snowflakes
Of my soul
They are the smile in my morning
And it shows :-)

fevered dreams

2011-11-22T21:03:00.001+05:30

The night descends
It's gaping jaws around me
As fevered dreams
Set me shivering

Come and take me, sleep
Do not taunt me
Puncture my skin
Let the world ooze
From me, let my madness
Feed you
Devour me
And in the morning
When the light comes
For you
And you flee
In agony
As my dreams puncture through
Undigested again
Just retreat
We shall meet
And strive again
Lovers in the night
Until fevers take flight
My dreams subside
And you are mine
Or I am yours
For the rest of time...

2011-11-17T10:44:00.001+05:30

There's laughter on the wind
Tonight
Each gust is a quiet chuckle.
I hear dreams too
Whispering
In delight
Of things that never were
Secret thoughts
Take flight.

Just chase the wind
And let emerge
The hiding words.
The silent mirth
Of the morning
Before the light.

River Moon

2011-11-13T10:31:00.001+05:30

If you're a little ripple
In the fabric of the night
Wash your waves about me
And shimmer in my light

Let me be your moon tonight

I'll glimmer in the glamour
Of the laughter in your song
I'll catch you and I'll hide you
As you surge and swish along

Let me ride your waves tonight

I'll shimmer in every quiver
To the cadence of your tides
I'll splash along your river
And wash along your sides

Let me be your rhyme tonight

I'll highlight every crest and curl
Every furrow in your world
I'll play in every wave that sways
I'll be the glitter on your swirls

So let me be your light tonight

Let me vibrate to your flow tonight
While you pulsate in my arms
Surge against me as I delight
In your passionate billowing charms

And let us dance a duet tonight

I'll be the loon that glints
Off your rivers of disguise
I'll beat to the songs you sing
In the ripples of your eyes

If you'll let me be your moon tonight.

Anoesis

2011-11-11T04:02:00.000+05:30

5 am

The city sleeps

As an engine hums

A car door slams

The leaves quivering

Silently

Waiting

For a gust of breeze

The stillness belies

The restlessness

That lies

Within the breast
Of this beast

That murmurs and snores

Unrest quivering

From each of it's pores

From within the ooze

That this city excretes

Furry noses emerge

In search of cheese

Of rotting delicacies

To fill their little souls

Their stomach's little bowls

Of hopefulness

That go begging in the streets

We walked those streets last night

A friend and I

Words soaking up the miles

Philosophies exchanged over smiles

The throb of things unspoken

Beating beneath our lives

In the unrest we find

The moonlight mingles

With artificial yellow bands

The breeze stirs the sands

The waves stir the leaves

That hang below street lamps

A shiver up our cheeks

A runnel of sweat seeks

A goosebump down my spine

Tracing a naughty line

From nerve-endings to my mind

Senses in harmony

Our 5 am symphony

Completes...

His Voice

2011-11-07T23:41:00.001+05:30

Hesidles,

Histail between his legs,

Wanderingworriedly into the light

Theyellow circle of jaundiced light

Cast bya solitary lamp-post.

And hestares

At hisreflection,

Thatarea of shadow that strangely resembles

Him:

Hisdog-eared, long-faced, panting visage.

And helets out a sound

Aslight, slow, halting, tentative…whine

And itgrows, in volume, in size, in shrillness

Till hiswhining fills the night

Withdelight, in his own voice

Not hismasters.

And hesits… there

And hewhines

Thelamp-post, the dog, and his shadow

In acircle of sodium light

Apicture for posterity

Withsound effects.

Home

2011-11-07T23:30:00.003+05:30

Deep down there, down in the underbelly;
In the place where people in their right minds never go
The darkest of the dark, and the lowest of the low

There is a strange kinship here
Born of that sense of fear
That comes crawling across your skin as you walk
Down the dark deserted paths

Where silence stalks
You worse than any demon can

The spots, the stains, the scars of endless years
The rusted roads, the potholed steel
The upchucked remnants of each rotting meal
That spot the streets, and the soles of your shoes
As you squelch over the decadence and decay
Of a city...

A city...
That seems so familiar
From yesterdays nightmare
It seems born to life
From your own memories
Gone awry...

As your slow steps
Of remembrance
Turn to run
You start to recognise
The mutant memories
That come to life

Memories of other places
You walked at other times
You and I were younger then
More curious, more open

You ran then
To the excitement of places like

....this
Places never seen
But warned against
By those who knew better.
Son, don’t go there!
It’s not a nice place, that.
They sell death and drugs
‘Really, Dad!’

Eyes shining, we wandered
In search of forbidden fronds
Of Mary Jane,
And more dangerous
Pills, that sent you up
Flying into the sky
Around the world
Clothed in rainbow colours
Of ecstasy

I searched out such places once...

It’s strange
That today
Home does not seem home anymore
The places i frequent become stranger
As i stay there longer
And then...
In every new city i visit
I find a place just like this
Tarnished, broken, littered with the remnants of broken dreams
Broken screams
Fading screams
Fading, whispered dreams...

And here,
Among the silent whispers
The fading pictures
Of times gone by
Finally...

I find a place that feels like home.

2011-11-03T10:33:00.002+05:30

I can see the gulf
That lies
Behind your eyes
The lies
You sell yourself
The chasms between
What you need
And what you say
The games you play
Within your mind
The way you're unkind
With how you feel
Each crushed appeal
Of the child that died
Living other's lives

Won't you pretend
Just for a while
That it's alright
Won't you come out and play
Let your thoughts ascend
To realms untried
Won't you hold me and say
Things you've never dared
Act like you never cared
And leave that past behind

Won't you just try
To find yourself
In me
Relentlessly

2011-11-01T10:16:00.000+05:30

Standing
On the cracked earth
Parched and broken
The vast desolation
Of once fertile plains
I can hear
The echo
Of waterfalls
The rustle of grass and leaves
The mulch fallen between the trees
As I walk among shifting sands
The memories of the land fill me
And I remember
You
Lush as you once were
Your tresses and your smiles
Cascading with life
Fertile

I tread now for the last time
On all that's left behind
As the echo of the wind
Dies softly on the hill
And ceases, forever still.

killing time...

2011-10-28T21:07:00.002+05:30

Lets just kill then
The morning
And the night
With empty words
And artificial light

Then
When the evening's dead
Choked by the blight
Of borrowed words
From books you've read
That claimed to help
You help yourself;
When all that's polite
And right's been said.

Then perhaps
In the crying night
The absence of light
Might let us connect
In other ways.

festival of light... 2011

2011-10-26T09:07:00.003+05:30

"What is to give light must endure burning"
- Viktor Frankl.

It is odd to remember that this festival began with the idea of fire as a force that would burn away the unessential, and return things to the purity of the flame. On this day then, and in those to come, I hope that some of us will find the courage to burn away the unessential from our lives, fan our little forgotten sparks to flames, and shine...

Here's a toast to the crazy diamonds in a world gone glam with glitter. May we have the courage to burn - as brightly as we can.

morning after

2011-10-17T23:27:00.001+05:30

"You're so good at being bad"
She declares with a sigh
"The best I've ever had"
It's her excuse to fly

A smile flits across my face
Steel gates up around my soul
As my ears perceive
The words I've heard
Only so many times before

Her fingers trace a lazy line
Down the path of no return
Flesh responds without a sign
Of distance or concern

It's well-oiled now
The farewell show
A well-worn litany
Those final thrusts
Of unbridled lusts
Quenched in apathy

She looks at me with loving eyes
Carefully fabricated webs of lies
As we speak our final farewells
From our well-masked private hells
A lingering fragrance remains
Nostalgia inked in little stains
Upon the tapestry of our lives
Smiling gates shut with open eyes
They watch on,
Grimly strong,
As inside
Love dies

Freshly-picked words

2011-10-12T08:45:00.001+05:30

Like the roadside morning blooms
Picked by the early rising lover
Who picks the early morning flower
Before it can be crushed
By the speeding trucks of doom
The cruel wheels of the waking world

Thus it is that I pick my words
For you in the morning
Freshly grown words
Dew-ridden in the morning light
Dew-written at the end of night

These words shall crumble away
By the end of day
But now they are fresh
My offering to you
Before the wheels of the world can spin us apart
A bouquet of hand-picked words from the heart

Echo

2011-10-11T09:46:00.003+05:30

I throb
To the sound
Of the words
That you speak,
To the caress
Of your breath
Upon my cheek;
As we walk
Arm in arm
Down deserted streets
Our laughter warms
The nightly air
That makes others shiver.

Our breath is frost
But the words are warm.
Bodies resonate, we quiver
In time, together;
Braving the weather
In search of the sublime.

Secret

2011-10-08T09:03:00.002+05:30

There
Just beyond
The edge
Of consciousness
It lies

Good!
You found it
Your reason
For being alive

It spreads
Across your eyes
Home again
Your secret smile

Look Up

2011-10-08T09:02:00.002+05:30

With two strong hands, my friend,
You could reach out and touch the sun
Yet you root around in the dirt
And you're slowly coming undone

With your two strong legs, my friend
Your race could already be won
Yet you hobble yourself, and refuse
To ignore the potholes, and run

Your eyes are watering, my friend
From looking at the filth for too long
Raise them just once, and you'll see
Out there is where you belong

We're all of us stuck in the mud
This gutter runs slick with our tears
And above, the lonely sky waits
For one of us to confront his fears

The choice lies with you, my friend
Whether to sink with them or swim
Just raise your head and meet my eyes
This world really isn't all that grim.

Let me be your Rollercoaster

2011-10-05T01:15:00.002+05:30

Let me be your rollercoaster
Let me take you for a ride
Into worlds you've never fathomed
Out of worlds that you deride.

Let me be your ferris wheel
Let me take you up into the skies
Out of the murky underworld
To see where the wild eagle flies.

Let me be your guiding light
Let me lead you deep inside
Into that maze which is your mind
And I'll show you why you cried.

Let me take you off your merry-go-round
And find you other ways to fly
Let me sweep you off your ground
And show you my world up high.

Come with me, my love, this time,
And let your fears all fall astray
Let me be your starship now
And you can be my stowaway.

All you need is to say the words
And we'll be off in the blink of an eye
If you let me be your rollercoaster
And you let me take you for that ride.

flashback

2011-10-02T10:03:00.000+05:30

I lie awake
Consumed
By the memory
Of your smile
For a while
My body throbs
And resonates
To that low growl
In your throat
When I heard you gloat
That night you had me pinned
How we laughed as we sinned
And how you called my name
Softly
In your sleep
As I lay awake
Listening to your heart beat

I lie alone
Thinking of the tears
It's been years
Since they intermingled
And we cried
Trying to dry
Each others fears
As we ripped apart
Our very own selves
The fragile world we'd built
From the fabric of our hearts

I lie awake often
And think of you
I wonder if you do too...

City High

2011-09-30T11:37:00.002+05:30

Hustle

Bustle

The city life

On steroids

When the sun rises

We're rats racing

In search of new mirages

Each oasis we see

Is just an overflowing

Bursting drain

The debris of our dreams

Spilling at the seams

And when the sun sets

It's the glow

Of blow

As we inhale

Each others

Frenzied cries

Powdered sighs

Regurgitated lies

Our nostrils flare

Eyes narrow to slits

And we dare

The looming darkness

To dampen burgeoning spirits

We're all high

Inside

But outside

Strangers see

The lies

We lead

And our illusions

Become their dreams

The cycle completes.

Reality strums

To glamour's beats.

‎"Thick skins sold here"

2011-09-28T09:59:00.001+05:30

‎"Thick skins sold here"
The sign declared
"Buy one, banish fear
Look like you never cared"

I ran into the store
I paid with hope
And a little bit more

I walked outside
Eager to try on
My armoured hide

I blinked once, then twice
Something had happened to the light
The skies were all in shades of grey
And there were no colours in sight

We all now wear them here
Our cloaks of impenetrable skin
Boundaries are drawn, lines are clear
And only the naked are kin...

Fool, Child

2011-09-27T08:11:00.002+05:30

Be a fool, child

Let your hair grow wild

And your senses sharp

Roll in the grass when it rains

Come back muddied with stains

Wearing the smiles of a saint

Without a care in your heart

Stay awake when it gets dark

Learn what it feels like to bark

To laugh like a loon at the moon

And to howl at the twinkling stars

Be a wild child

Do not be mild

As your elders advise

Play the games, child

But only the ones you devise

Not the ones that they

Would have you play

Their games of sadness and lies

Be the mad child

And do not live out life in empty sighs

If reach you must, reach only for the skies

And be not beguiled

Be the one who smiled, child

Just be the fool, child.

;-)

2011-09-23T12:22:00.003+05:30

My life is free verse

It doesn't really rhyme

It's rhythms are hidden

It likes to play with time

My life is a prose poem

That makes very little sense

To all the lovers of structure

And those who're a little dense

My life is like a metaphor

Your reason will not believe

Unless you can perceive

The smile within my simile

spiderweb

2011-09-21T12:03:00.003+05:30

Delicately
Poised

The film of sanity

Sits upon my brow

It's gossamer fibre

Shimmering

In moonglow

The tenuous

Nature of our beings

Lie uncovered

Reflected in night

My sight

Is clouded

In a film of starlight

And tears

twinkle

on the strands

If you could reach

Out and touch me now

My masks would melt away

Somehow

And you would feel me

Beating against your hand

Indistinctly fragile

The child beneath the man.

Beggar

2011-09-20T09:37:00.000+05:30

The girl on the street
She's 16, sweet
as she finds a morsel
Discarded
She dabs at it
With relish
Her morning's made
Half a burger
Makes her smile
The mayonnaise dripping
Happily down her cheek

The girl in the car
She's 16 too,
Rouged and ready
Scowling
As the beggar eats
She cannot understand
How the meat
That made her gag
Could make a beggar smile
Her day is ruined
She drives away

The day
It begins too
For me and you
What shall be found
And what discarded
By us two?

Embers

2011-09-20T02:08:00.001+05:30

At night
Broken dreams
Ignite
Embers arising
From the ashes of the past

Broken words
Set aflight
They crackle in the dark
The fires and the schemes
That lived but did not last

I blow
With all my might
Fanning each spark to a blaze
Hoping it lasts beyond the haze
Of the morning light

The City Mask

2011-09-20T01:50:00.002+05:30

Noise
Is the mask
Of the city

We hide within
The bustle
Safely

Behind walls of loudness
Of belligerence
We cower in the silence
Of sound

The city sleeps most
When it is awake

The city screams
Loudest
When it is merely asleep

But voices emerge
When the bustle dies
Testing the darkness
With unspoken truths

I write
Sometimes
You do too
Our words never meet
But tomorrow in the street
Our cries will mask
The wisdom stark
That emerges only
In the dark

The Weed

2011-09-20T01:50:00.001+05:30

The rock is cracked
Parched
Baked and broken
In the desolation
Marking the absence of life

In a crevice sits
A seed
Lonely
Waking
In the stillness of a cold
Desert Night

Some weeks later
It lies
Budding leaves bruised
Broken
Pushing at the unyielding
Stone

Grasping
Green tendrils
For a sliver of light
Just beyond reach

The weed tries
Again and again
Ripped and torn
Fresh growth crushed
Against a rocky womb

Such weeds die
Across the desert
They lie stillborn
Hidden
Buried before Birth

The weed pulses
Weakly
For life
Reaching blindly
Brokenly
For the light

In the desert
In an island of brown desolation
Suddenly
Triumphantly
A flash of green catches the sun

Wordplay

2011-09-13T20:10:00.001+05:30

Rhymes a little wry
Wrhymes oh so sly
Rhythms
Rapped or sung
Meanings
Wrapped in pun
Wordplay
On my tongue
Quips
that slip
and drip
off the tip
of my pen
Onto your page
I rant and rage
In verse
And worse
No flows
In prose
Are quite as much fun

;-)

On the wings of smiles

2011-09-11T11:56:00.001+05:30

On the wings of smiles
I've flown
Over the sundered fields
Of dreams
Past the ravaged ruins
Of hope
On thermal gusts of silent screams

With laughter
I have staved off the years
The wrinkles in my mind
are refined
By the strange humour of time

I fly
Free
Now
Soar
If only for an hour
I have roamed the vastness of the world
I have seen
What there was
And what is to be

I have lived my life
On the wings of wanton dreams
In the arms of ecstasy
I have flown
On the wings of secret smiles

Woman Power

2011-09-11T11:55:00.001+05:30

Shame
on the games
you play
Yes one day
No the next
You're confused
You say
You find a way
To keep absolved
Of responsibility
you play the field
With all your might
You're always right
Cause you're the weaker
Sex, you say
Is it really such a wonder
You have no one
To share your day
Your thoughts or your feelings
When you leave them reeling
With your power play
You do this
because you can
Because a woman
Holds sway
Over a man

How can you speak
Of right and wrong
When you refuse to belong
Let confusion
Be your swan song
I say...

Homeless we all are

2011-09-11T11:54:00.001+05:30

Some in the comfort of our castles
Some lost in anonymity on the streets
As we wander through flashing lightbulbs
Or we wander through the rain and sleet
Our faces set in masks brazen and bold
We're all shielding ourselves from the cold
From the cold that seeps into our bones
Or the coldness that seeps out of our souls

We're all searching for meanings
Upon highways of sheer desolation
Morsels of food or spiritual gleanings
Food or freedom, death or revelation

A moment of contact, of heartfelt laughter
The thrill of lovemaking, the peace that comes after
A drop of clean water to satisfy your thirst
A cure to the malaise with which you're cursed

Homeless we all are
Wandering
In search
Of something
more
than words
or wisdom

The upturned corners of our lives

2011-09-07T16:30:00.000+05:30

That little hint of sorrow in your eyes
Is what caught my attention
That day you turned your face into the sun
And laughed like there was no tomorrow
Now I always look past your infectious smile
To find the child
That hides inside
Behind a mask of delight
To feel my heart soar in love for you

Would that you could too...

Beggar

2011-09-03T11:53:00.001+05:30

Hungry
the beggar before you stands
at the altar of your flesh
Begging for alms
One touch
One quick caress
His arms are open
You, his goddess
retreat in fear
for you know that
your charity
will cause him to devour you
complete
and you fear
being lost
in the whirlpool
of his worship
no God are you
but you enjoy a pedestal
take courage
step off
meet him face to face
and worship him as he would you
flesh to flesh
alm in alm

The knife-like edge of a dream

2011-09-03T11:51:00.000+05:30

His scars carry scars, he says
The man on the brink
As he stands poised expertly
On the knife-edge of his dream

His words are rough and ragged
Worn down to the bone by being alone
The gravel of his tone
A rasp upon my soul

Each scar a prize, he says
Won in a hardfought fight
He comments on my scars
And says - one day you'll be there

I laugh it off, though I know it's true
I've looked into a mirror with a view
And only time will tell if the scars on my shell
Will cut deep enough to bite
Slice in and cut out the light

It could end my walk up that razor sharp edge
I have climbed with all my might
Every day of my life

I watch as he slides
The man with the scars
His balance gone
His time is done
He says nothing more, but
As he falls, I cannot help but see
That he smiles...

Primal

2011-09-03T11:50:00.000+05:30

The dog
And the crocodile
The hog
And the little child
Do not think
As we do
They act
When in heat
They love, hunt, eat
Without thinking
Or feeling
They don't make up meaning
Like me
And like you

Adrift...

2011-09-01T23:20:00.001+05:30

set adrift
Lost
Are we
In the company
Of each other's sighs
And our lies
Weave inexorably
The fabric of our fate
Sometimes I wonder
If it isn't too late
To unravel what has passed
and face you again
Naked and real
Ready to feel
Again...

Dreamer

2011-08-31T11:53:00.001+05:30

Everyone dreams
Everyone sighs
When all dreams are

Just ifs and whys

But the big dreams are
Reserved for just a few
Those insane dreamers

Like me.. and you??

confetti of your mind

2011-08-31T11:52:00.002+05:30

Pick up your thoughts
Shuffle them
Toss them around
And see how they fall
Upon common ground.

Sprinkle your feelings
In the spaces between

Observe...

How do you feel
About them now
Laid about
Like confetti

Would you still defend them with your life?

Pick up the ones you would

And do with them as you should.
As for the others, leave them behind

They're just the confetti of your mind.

Dream

2011-08-31T11:52:00.001+05:30

Spend some life on your dreams now
Quick, before they die
Dreams need to breathe too
Just like you
Do it today
Nourish a dream or two
Before they fly
Away

Murder song

2011-08-31T11:51:00.000+05:30

my fingers
touch your throat
and you sigh
my mind divides
i want to touch you
or throttle you
my fingers itch
for an answer

you say something
sweet
my heart melts
our lips meet
your teeth draw blood
my fingers tighten
as the red turns to gray
yet again...

Anonymity

2011-08-31T11:49:00.000+05:30

Do not tell me your name
Share with me instead your breath
The whispering of your voice
In a million different keys

Infuse me with your self
Do not cheapen this act
By giving it a label
Do not call it love
Or lust, or any of the myriad
Millions of terms we use

To make ourselves feel better

Share in my guilt and my fear
Be anonymous with me
Rise with me over common bonds
And be with me, in me

Let this moment be our forever

Moments...

2011-08-31T11:46:00.001+05:30

Long slow kisses that never end
and poetry by the fireside
are sorely missed...

Fingers interlinked
As we walk through the rain
laughter sprinkled through the air

by random thoughts expressed...

Cheeks that have been kissed
by sudden flushes, sudden charms
the sudden intertwining of arms

and other happy accidents of chance

as serendipity sets in
and joy pervades
our mutual worlds
in mutual whorls

of colour

i wonder
in wonderment
about those moments

and where they went...

Love-worn

2011-08-31T11:45:00.000+05:30

I've loved too many women, too hard,
And each took too much, leaving a little hole
In my once indestructible heart
Till it looked as it does now - a begging bowl...

So here's my plea to the girl that comes next:
'Oh, you of the womanly wiles...
Would you, could you, instead

Of taking, fill my heart with your smiles...'

Talk to me with your touch

2011-08-31T11:36:00.001+05:30

Talk to me with your touch
Speak to me without words
Words tire me
They say nothing
Let your lips
echo in my being
with silent speech
it's time to let sound rest
and speak in other tongues

What you do not voice makes me tremble

Let me worship at the altar of your skin now

Hush...

In the arms of the night...

2011-08-31T11:30:00.002+05:30

I am the one who writes
Writes in the arms of the night
3am songs, doused in dew
Lubricated by alcoholic brews
Poor substitute for a muse
But they’re all I have
For inspiration...

Love Paean

2011-08-31T11:30:00.001+05:30

the shape of your fingerprints burnt into my skin
each ring is a whorl-pool to capture me in...

Dawn

2011-08-31T11:18:00.001+05:30

I'm enamoured with the dawn
The red in the skies
Lends wings to my eyes
And lets my imagination roam
Eclipsing the morning gloom
Of overcast lives...

Ode to darkness

2011-08-31T11:17:00.000+05:30

I'm flying with the moonlight in the face of the rain
I'm riding the wind, treating the darkness with disdain
I'm singing to waves above whose clamor my voice cannot rise
I'm consecrating my songs to stars that live beyond our skies

I know not much more than love, and laughter and longing
The yearning for freedom and the need for belonging
But it's all I need on my journey to the other side of midnight
The darkness is mine, it's the blindness that gives me my sight.

Sparklin'

2011-08-31T11:16:00.000+05:30

I was complimented on my sparkling wit
I said it must be the bubbly in my soul
For I was born with a Champagne sorta Spirit ;-)

Cripple on a crutch

2011-08-31T11:15:00.002+05:30

I'm now a cripple on a crutch,
It's an experience overrated,
but not by much
No swinging legs, no toes that touch
How one muscle pull, one calf in trauma,
Can cause such a hell of a lot 'a' drama
Is rather unexpected,
Calves are deceptive
Walking without one is like writing without grammar.
I'm waddling like a penguin now,
Swaying from side to side
No dancing, leaping, jumping
At least my tongue's not tied!

The Trudge for Fudge!

2011-08-31T11:15:00.001+05:30

I'm searching for moments magical,
amidst the dreariness of daily drudge
Wondering if life isn't tragical
Without the equivalent of hot chocolate fudge

Bike in the rain

2011-08-31T11:14:00.001+05:30

Pouring Rain, Motorbike, Highway
No way quite like this for a Joy-way
To drive away those blues
Who needs a woman or a muse
On a bike in the rain on the highway :-)))

Tears

2011-08-31T11:13:00.000+05:30

Tears can burn like fire too
When sprinkled across open wounds
Why fertilise all your fields of pain
With raindrops from your eyes
And the wasted breeze of sighs

Aftermath

2011-08-31T11:03:00.000+05:30

As the world around us shrinks
And you lie within arm's reach
The spaces between us grow
And can hardly be breached...

Is the present really pleasant

2011-08-31T10:58:00.000+05:30

Is the present really pleasant,
And does the past last?
Last longer than yesterday, anyway?

Can you treasure pleasure,
Or foment the moment,

Prolong your pleasure and play?

Is such a question pedestrian,
Or do you debate your fate?
Or does it not matter, and do you prefer

To live your life out in shades of grey?

Brillo Pad

2011-08-31T10:57:00.000+05:30

She said my body felt like a brillo pad
I said her head was what felt like that
Every time i rubbed myself against her wit
I felt like I should just get up and quit

Honesty

2011-08-31T10:53:00.002+05:30

I wrote to her to say I didn't care any more,
She called me that night and cried,
I told her then
(cos she'd left me for a friend),
I really wished that she had died.

She started screaming and cursing like a fishwife,
Women can't bear honesty,
I've learnt,
Too late in life.

And where is our revolution?

2011-08-31T10:53:00.001+05:30

And where is our revolution?

We protested against auto-rickshaw drivers yesterday

We say

And the day before

We turned our lights off for an hour

And only last week

I donated to Greenpeace

I buy from farms that are organic

And you know farmer suicides

Don't affect those prices

So all's well with my world I say

What did you want to protest about anyway?

And where is our revolution?

We cry and wail

But voices aren't raised

Cos we're too scared

Not of the government

Not of the policemen

Or the boogeymen

But of what our neighbour will think

We're good people you see

Good sorts don't protest

They complain and they whine

THey make a little fuss

But not much

Cos they're too worried

About what the neighbours will say

And where is our revolution

In the voices upraised

Against people from the neighbouring state?

Against the Gorkha union

The refugees from Bangladesh

Who were just looking for a place to stay

In the voices of the good Marathi citizens

The denizens

Of Dadar

Who just want racial purity on the streets

Or the Kannadiga or the Tamil

Whose tunes will resonate only to the heart beats

Of their own language....

And where is our Revolution

When dal prices and onions make us weep

ANd the farmers take to the streets

Because of urbanisation

Geneticisation

Modernisation

When what the Ambanis eat

Is televised

Live

On national TV

And the starving kids

Are not news any more

Now it's budget housing

Land for ever Indian man

You're supported by your local bank

You just gotta borrow a crore

Or maybe just a little more

Get in over your head

Trust your government

They're the Commonwealth

They'll play games

Learn financial jugglery

While you struggle to eat

And pay for their pleasure with your penury.

And where is our revolution?

In autorickshaw strikes and non-tv days

and let's just turn the lights off for tonight I say

We'll buy organic

and not let our taps drip

And go home feeling oh-so hip

Cos we support Greenpeace

And hate people who club baby seals to death

But reelect our government

Bring them back

Cos farmers dying

is just suicide

and onion prices

Aren't really a crisis

Did you see how high the sensex went today?

And where is our revolution?

Where are our voices?

Where is the change we want to be

Is it just drowned in the enormity

Of our daily lives

And our petty little fights

Over who got a bigger bonus

Isn't the onus on us

Or is it all just gonna be okay

Let the politicians play

What can I do anyway

I'm just one person

There's a billion more where I came from

And there's a never-ending supply

Who cares as long as I can get high

My revolution is on the brink

Of exploding with another drink

I'll go home and beat my wife

And put an end to domestic strife

And tell the children to can it

If I don't like it I can ban it

And any protests they make are useless anyway

Cos thats the way the world works

And if you don't like it you can lump it

Learn to get along

That's your theme song

You'll grow up soon

And learn before long

That protest only works in song.

Wordflay

2011-08-31T10:52:00.000+05:30

is flaying his soul with words...

Game

2011-08-31T10:51:00.002+05:30

I'm playing that age-old game
On the edge of darkness
Blowing each spark to a flame

And it burns...
My soul
As it seeks the light

That darkness denies

:-)

2011-08-31T10:51:00.001+05:30

Secret smiles rise unbidden at every thought of you...

Almost Haiku

2011-08-31T10:50:00.000+05:30

is playing games with the sun
a losing proposition
but oh! what fun!!

If I could

2011-08-31T10:48:00.001+05:30

I would take the night
Wrap it around your shoulders
If I could
I'd watch the stars glint against your skin...
I would take those city lights
That mesmerise
And wind them in your hair
If I could
I would
Take your heartbeat
And make it my song for a while

Dance with you day and night
If I could
Bring your darkness into light I would...

On the cliff edge of his dreams

2011-08-31T10:47:00.000+05:30

The little boy
Stands on the edge
And prays
He strays
His thoughts taking wing
With butterflies from off the grass
His laughter swoops
On little wings
His prayers are forgotten
Lost and left behind
In scuffed and broken footprints
And will be covered up
When the grass grows back
On the cliff edge of his dreams

writing on the sand

2011-08-31T10:46:00.000+05:30

He’s writing on the sand
waiting for the waves
to rearrange what he says

Song of me

2011-08-31T10:45:00.000+05:30

I'm a-feelin like a tin pan alley song,
The words are all right but my music's all wrong.
Every other note tends to slide
My plectrum plays like a gong.
And each f-sharp on my blues harp
Is crying like a pig on a guillotine
And every call for freedom
Is just a silent, wordless scream...

But the words are right,
Oh yeah, they're so right
That I just can't help singing this song
So, tell me true, would any of you
Perhaps - you know - like to sing along?

Love games

2011-08-31T10:42:00.000+05:30

I've learnt all the games of love
I've played those games of hate
I've been broken by your words
And felt my whole world quake
I’ve known the joy and ecstasy
Yeah, done all that give and take

For just one kiss,
No more than this
I’ve stopped being rogue and rake
And I don’t know why
A tear or a sigh
Can cause my earth to shake
Even when I know
That love you show
Is just put on, it’s fake

And if there is a lesson I have learned
It’s that
I've been hurt by thirsts that slaked
I've felt every sting and barb
You threw at me, and stayed
I know that love is my disease
I'd burn willingly at your stake
For just one kiss
No more than this
You'd have me on a plate.

Creed

2011-08-31T10:34:00.001+05:30

Freedom is a motorcycle on the highway
They say
And I have found it to be true
That when the wind sticks to me like glue
A feeling very like ecstasy
Enters me
And though I do not pray
Nor believe
In idols or Gods
And though I shun
Religion
I do have a faith
I follow a creed
The highway is my home
And a motorcycle on the open road
Will always set me free...

Words

2011-08-31T10:33:00.001+05:30

I was lost in the silences
Till words found me
They grew me, raised me, shaped me
The words made me

Reverie

2011-08-31T10:31:00.000+05:30

against the
bleak
dark canopy
of night
the stars twinkle
their merriment
and I cannot help
but smile
as i watch
my past
dissolve
into starlight

A little madness

2006-03-29T18:27:00.000+05:30

A person needs a little madness, or else thay never dare cut the rope and be free.

- Nikos Kazantzakis

Well, well, well.. I know - I've been away for a year, and have broken all my promises to myself. I haven't blogged in a year, and return chastened - hoping I shall make up for lost time.

The truth is, my mind has been swimming in a maelstrom of conflicting thoughts. I finally quit my dead-end job at AOL and got out of Bangalore. I'm much happier to be back in Madras, even though it's ridiculously hot and sweaty.

I bought my self a new bike and stopped driving my car and lo - presto! Freedom!!!!!

I had caught myself in the age-old trap - the symptoms of success - car, bungalow, regular salary, steadiness, boredom, depression.

I kept hoping things would get better. And then, luckily, I shook myself awake and reminded me that nothing was gonna get better unless I forced destiny's hand.

The enemy of freedom is complacence.

So I'm out, unemployed again, and happy once more. Desperately searching for meaning again, for a cause or person to attach myself to until that loses meaning too.

The cycle of life...

I have been travelling, taking long distance trips through South India on my new motorcycle. I've been staying up till 5am, reding books and watching movies.

I've been making love without worrying about what I have to do next, and if I'm going to be late for an appointment.

I've been eating when I'm hungry and drinking when I'm thirsty. No more "three meals a day routine for me!"

I feel like Walt Whitman again, sounding my barbaric yawp out over the roofs of this world.

I am able to cry again at the sight of a raindrop on a leaf of grass, at cloud formation in the sky, feel emotion choking up in me at the sight of a flower, a moment, a beautiful smile...

I am alive again.

The little things matter again.

My voice has, hopefully, returned, and you shall hear it again!

On fairy-tale endings...

2005-07-25T08:31:00.000+05:30

Lived happily ever after......??????

I think we all suffer from it - the "live happily ever after" syndrome.

You know - the perfect man, or perfect woman - when she/he comes into my life, I shall live happily ever after.
The perfect job - when I get it, everything in my life will be perfect after.
The perfect car - All I want is a Ferrari, and I will be happy eternally.
The Perfect House - If only I had that place, my life would be fulfilled.

Funny, isn't it - this so-called perfection! What we are really seeking for seems to be some kind of closure, some end to it all, where there will be no more pain, and emotion, and conflict, and struggle, and effort.
If that's what you want, go become an opium addict!

Why do we delude ourselves? Where in hell did this fairy-tale dream originate from? And it is propagated in everything around us - the stories, the books, the movies, the advertising (this soap shall make you eternally beautiful, this refrigerator is the culmination of all in your life!). Even in all the advice we receive from our parents, teachers and peers.

This political system will make life perfect for all who subscribe to it - Democracy, Communism, Dictatorship, Anarchy, Nihilism.

This educational system will produce enlightened souls - Montessori, Experiential Learning, Rote Learning, Drills, Vocational Training, Beating with a cane, etc.

This spiritual system will fix everything: Transcendental Meditation, Yoga, Swiss Spas, Ayurveda, Kerala Massage, Marijuana, Blow, Celibacy, Trappism, Cults, etc.

Why?
Why do we insist on propagating this myth? For me life is about the unpredictability, about waking up every single day ready for the fact that everything might have changed. Ready to discard what was yesterday. Snakes moult, and I think that's wonderful - to physically undergo a personality transformation every once in a while. Humans moult too - it just happens inside our minds. The only reason it hurts is that we fight it.

Haven't you ever experienced a period when you needed to be quiet and alone, in your shell, cut-off from the world - and then you emerge from that feeling different. Why be scared? It's only natural...

This is the greatest, ultimate freedom, the greatest joy, the greatest thrill - the choice to be different every single day - to lead many lives, many existences, many visions, many dreams, many loves, many professions, many worlds - all in a single lifetime. Reincarnation is here, it's now - not tomorrow. This is our chance for rebirth, for a complete transformation.
Not an addiction to things.
Or ideas.
Not in looking for the source of your happiness and contentment in anything outside yourself.
But in yourself...

Isn't that what all the religions say - that true happiness lies within. Hinduism says that all the cosmos lies inside every tiny particle of yourself. Quantum Mechanics says pretty much the same thing!
"I am large. I contain multitudes." (Walt Whitman - for those unfamiliar with his work)
The world is everything that is in it - pleasure, pain, joy, hatred, happiness, suffering, food, drink, love, sex, walks, skies, coulds, oceans, rivers, streams, trees, stones, rocks.
Why cast your eyes on any one as a source of salvation?
For the answer lies is seeing everything as part of the great cosmic dance of existence, of which you are inextricably part.

There are no answers.

There aren't even any questions.

There's only what your mind decides to make of it all - day by unescapable day.

Take joy in it, revel in it, seize life by plunging your hands deep into it's marrow, by immersing yourself completely into every act that defines your existence that moment, that day!

Live. Be free. See. Feel. Be.

And forget about fairy tale endings. They are only momentary.

The funny thing about so-called art and creativity

2005-07-05T09:27:00.000+05:30

"Kierkegaard declared that too much "possibility" led to the madhouse. But when I came upon these cautionary words, I already had what Kierkegaard called, "this sickness of infinitude," wandering from one path to another with no real recognition that I was on a search and scarecely a clue as to what I might be after. I only knew that at the bottom of each breath there was a hollow place that needed to be filled."

- Peter Matthiessen

The funny thing about so-called art and creativity (and yes, even science!) is that it is conceived in chaos, as is heroism and new thought.

It's always a difficult path to follow - that of the explorer, the wanderer or the artist. It's a path of much pain, but of as much fulfillment.

Chaos is where such a person lives, works, and creates. I don't believe that such people choose this path over any other in life, but that they are driven by strange internal demons, cursed to seek and never find, ordained by divine right to plunge into the centre of chaos and drag screaming, out of the madness, some semblance of sanity, some perspective where all is revealed - even if only for a moment.

Why is it that great images, great writing, great science, and great music can introduce us to complete joy and ecstasy. Precisely because, when we experience greatness, some part of that perspective is passed on to us - some part of that moment where all is whole, where everything makes sense.

Why is happiness momentary? Why is love so important? Why is the pursuit of joy and meaning 'forever' so futile?

Perhaps just because order can only be momentary, and chaos is the real way of life. Perhaps the negative connotation we give to the very idea of chaos is the problem.

Have you ever travelled down a series of river rapids? Have you ever been caught in a violent storm? Have you ever looked on the face of real beauty?

You know that feeling - of completeness: complete power, complete beauty, complete terror, complete perfection!

Those are such moments when nature is completely herself, just as we are completely ourselves only when we are completely immersed - in love, in passion, in danger, in being so totally in the moment that nothing else exists. It is when we have no past, no future, no knowledge or consiousness of anything outside or inside ourselves that we are truly, completely human.

And yet this world is engaged in a collective retreat from this joy. Everything we do is a defense against ourselves. it always has been. Every religion, every organisation, every school, every prescribed cultural rule has become a withdrawal from the very thing it purports to celebrate - call it what you will: the Godhead, Nature, the Infinite Is, the Collective Unconscious, Divinity, God or the Devil.

Why?

I don't know....

All I do know is that my path leads down crumbling cliff faces. If following my heart means living as an outcast - of this world but not of it, I have no real choice. It is the way I am.

I know, instinctively, that my answers lie in the chaos and the suffering that surround us. I know that I am a creature of that chaos - born and raised in it, and destined to die by it's hand. And yet that thought is strangely comforting, not in the least terrifying.

I have often been asked - what do I do? Who am I? What is my profession? Who? What? Why?

Well, the answer is that I don't really have a job description. I'm a student, and servant, of the chaos. I do different things, but they are all piqued by my curiosity to see the next great moment, the next revelation, the next perspective that throws everything else into sharp relief. At the moment I'm a teacher,but I have done many different things through my life and this is just my latest whim. I have, in the past, been a writer, filmamker, actor, producer, director, storyteller, student, motorcycle rider, and clown - but that has never been what I am.

I guess, if I had to put a label to it, that I'm a professional gypsy - nothing more,nothing less...

Thoughtdrops

2005-03-11T14:59:00.000+05:30

If my life were not a dangerous, painful, experiment; if I did not constantly skirt the abyss and feel the void beneath my feet, my life would have no meaning and I would not have been able to write anything.

- Hermann Hesse

The funny thing is - when I first read this sentence (it's from Hermann Hesse's diaries) it was as if a shock of cold water had been poured over me. I had to resist the urge to jump up and cry - "Yes, that's it, that's how I feel too!" And then, as my conditioned self-control kicked in, I thought - "Wow, it's okay to feel that way..."

I was seeking approval for my own thoughts and feelings. I was able to feel better about my life because someone else - someone famous, a Nobel Prize winner - had once felt that way too. This fact validated my emotions, told me it was okay to feel and think the way I did. Now it was okay to let others know...

It's amazing how much in our lives is dictated by the need for approval from others. In a way, this is the most dangerous need that society conditions us to feel. The whole reward/punishment nature of parent-child relationships dictates a constant need for approval in our adult lives. This approval is needed from some source - parents, elders, teachers, peers, subordinates, journalists, politicians, people, anywhere - sometimes even from our pets. The instinct for approval is so strong that it overrides every natural instinct and desire.

My own view is that it cripples us, as a race.

I can't help but think about our favourite pets - dogs. It's said that any dog's genetic structure is 99% the same as that of a wolf's - even the chihuahua's! Just that 1% difference in genetic structure makes for the amazing variety of domesticated canines that we see around us. Among this diversity of canine forms, one thing is common - the need for approval. All dogs are bred to exhibit this ability. It's what makes them tame.

The domestication of animals was achieved by men/women who bred approval seeking behaviour into wild animal species. Perhaps that's how "lesser" humans were bred too. Kings and tribal chiefs would have wanted their subjects to be more docile, and pliable. Perhaps early societal structuring (especially in the Indian subcontinent) was created in order to domesticate the "wild" nature of the human animal.

This experiment hasn't worked as well with cats, for example. Felines seem to resist approval seeking genetic changes. So do African Elephants, though Indian Elephants succumb in some measure. However, reptiles and other non-mammal animal species don't seem to have an approval-seeking gene in their systems. Mammals suckle their young, and the parent-child relationship among mammals lasts much longer that any other animal species. Perhaps this approval seeking gene (or part of the gene) only exists in mammals - and in some more than in others.

Perhaps this gene (or behavioural instinct) helps pack behaviour. However, I feel that in human society this conditioning results in some very damaging patterns. First of all, this pattern is so deeply ingrained in us by the time we are teenagers that a period of rebellion ensues where natural instincts and the approval-seeking gene vie for mastery. In most cases approval wins out - and then we are said to be mature, or grown up, and capable of handling responsibility.

What are our natural instincts? To feed, to fight, to procreate, to invent belief systems, exercise the imagination and learn about the world through play (simulation) activity, to communicate, to seek shelter, and to seek affection. It is this last need that is corrupted, by turning affection into a reward for imitating societal behavioural patterns, rather than naturally given.

The danger with the long parenting period that humans undergo is that affection, which should be given and exchanged naturally, now becomes allied very strongly to behaviour. If the behaviour fits in with what is accepted by that particular social group, all is fine. If not, the natural tendency towards affection is held back by the group - a punishment for the offending behaviour. However, that behaviour has no connection with the need (affection). When the need is used as a lever, (as, indeed, are starvation, loss of shelter, freedom, etc.) the animal side of our beings gets very confused.

Behaviour, and all action and culture, are created (historically and zoologically) in order to fulfill and provide for our basic needs. When behaviour becomes more important, and needs get relegated to a simple reward-punishment status, the human animal grows up a little twisted. As this behaviour-need hierarchy is reinforced throughout schooling, the modern "civilized" human is created - in whose psyche approval-seeking takes precedence over basic needs.

It is my contention that this is the root-cause of many things that plague our society today - violence, abuse, hatred, communalism, terrorism, and the subjugation of the individual to the mob in all it's various forms.

More about this later, though, as I have to go. This is my first experience with blogging and I must say it has been fun. I just hope that people read this and I can start a discussion about this and other things that worry me, and things that make me laugh - the stupidity and idiosyncracies of homo sapiens....